Unstructured

Hi! I am 21 years old and I have been studying for the past 19 years of my life. My academic journey so far has been somewhat like this:

13 years in School

In school, I fared well. I won many handwriting competitions, poetry recitation competitions and I would always be selected for singing Western music as well as Indian music for the school annual day functions. I was good at studies as well, I never failed any exams. The one time I failed the french exam in 8th grade, I was pretty upset. I was neither very active nor very passive, somewhere in between. I had a small group of 5 friends with whom I spent most of my time. Even the shuffling of students every year could not break our strong bond. Let’s skip to the 10th grade, when we were lured into believing that if we score a high percentage and get into a good college, our life would be sorted. My goal was St.Xavier’s College because my dad had told me that it is one of the best in India for the Arts stream. I studied too much, scored a 94.80% and eased my entry into St.Xavier’s securing my seat along with one of my other friends from school.

But was my life sorted? Can we take a moment and laugh please? Because of course the answer is a BIG no.

Let’s talk about St.Xavier’s now.

2 years in Junior College

In the first year of college, I was overly excited and took part in as many extra-curricular activities as possible. These were mostly arts and crafts related. I wanted to do as much as I could in the two years that I had in hand. After Junior College, I planned to join JJ School of Arts, again suggested by my father and was studying for that as well. Then one day, my senior, Leo, the HOD of the Fine Arts Department, introduced me to Design. I never knew something like that existed and was immediately enthralled by the idea of joining a Design school. I did my research and discovered that I would get to stay in another city, another reason I wanted to pursue it. Even though my family was not as excited as I was, I convinced them until they gave in and allowed me to join a coaching class and prep up. I was burdened with two kinds of exams – entrance exams and 12th board exams. Eventually, when I learnt that the marks earned during 12th boards did not make any difference when applying for design colleges, I kept my college books aside and only dealt with GK books and drawing books. Even though I worked really hard, I did not get through many college entrances and would cry and think that I was not worth it. I was facing failure and rejection for the first time in my life and I don’t think I took that rejection very well. I could not see my life beyond those 4-5 colleges that I had applied to. Many advised me to take a drop year to study and apply later, but I was not of the same opinion. Then one day, I got an email from DJ Academy of Design, I had been selected!

My teacher assured the bunch of us who got selected in DJAD that it’s a great college and we would get good work in the industry after graduation. My parents, relieved upon hearing this, agreed to send me to a city I had never imagined I would land up in, Coimbatore.

Was my life sorted now? Of course. If I sincerely worked for 4 long years, I would definitely get somewhere in life, right?

Let’s find out.

4 years in Graduation College

This journey is longer than my previous two academic journeys. I was living alone for the very first time. Living alone means learning about life along with doing academics. Although I went there to pursue design, I got drawn to photography and film. I worked really hard and made my film portfolio, sent to about 60 film studios but got replies from nowhere. I don’t wish to compare but all my friends applying for design internships were getting replies and I was sitting there with 0 replies in my inbox except maybe the automated ones. Then I started calling the studios out of desperation but got no leads. I was truly depressed, I would cry because that internship was so important to me. My father suggested applying to design studios, but my ego did not allow me to do that. I had promised myself to do a film internship. Finally one studio out of the 60 studios showed interest and I was finally selected on the basis of nothing really. They neither saw my portfolio nor my CV. I did not care about earning money, I only wanted to earn experience. And so I did! I learnt about filmmaking, made good friends and networked with many people in the industry. This ultimately helped me in making my final graduation film – Ek Mulakat. It was a self sponsored film, that means my father was sponsoring it, not me, for I have earned no moolah in life. Anyway, making that film was a success, I applied all my learnings so far and created it with the help of many people.

So, I am a graduate now. I studied for 19 damn long years. Let’s ask again. Am I sorted in life now? Sigh. I don’t think I need to say it again. I know, you are already laughing.

I graduated on 30th June 2020. It’s been exactly a week since that day. According to my cousins who are my age too, I should take a break and chill for sometime. But, I am not able to do that – I neither want a break nor do I want to chill. I want to keep working and that is how this blog came into existence too. Until yesterday, I was riding a wave of emotions. It felt that my tears would create an ocean of its own where I would drown. I did not exactly understand my own behavior but now that I am calm, I can look back and reflect. Let’s see what was happening to me.

What is common between school, junior college and graduation college? A Timetable. Everything is pre-planned. There is a plan to begin with.

What happens one day after the day you graduate? You wake up without a plan. You wake without a purpose.

What does this lead to? An upside down life.

I am sorry I think I took it too literally…

I hope you figure out how to read this…

Sigh, all of this needs to stop. And I think I am trying.

How am I trying?

Firstly, accepting the fact that I am a graduate but there are many like me and I have not done anything extraordinary. Secondly, realizing that I am the one in need of work because I cannot sit free for too long. Therefore, applying for jobs but not expecting quick replies. My job is to send my application but I will get selected when it’s the right time. Thirdly, not sitting idle. I am working on personal projects since I finally have the time. I am writing more, this blog is one the biggest motivations behind it. I am also going to back-burn my film dream until the industry is back to normal again. Although, that does not mean I will give it up, I will do everything I can do from home to keep my dream alive. Fourthly, taking care of my mental and physical health and therefore meditating and exercising to achieve the same. Fifthly, practicing my other interests like painting, cooking, photography and discovering more interests as I live on. Sixth, maintaining the gratitude journal for it keeps one grounded. Seventh, having faith that only the best is decided for me. Eight, having goals and not being complacent. Keep learning is the motto. Ninth, fulfilling my duties apart from my work, i.e. helping my family and being there for my friends when they need me. Tenthly, living to be happy. But at the same time, accepting that one cannot always be happy. I think this list can certainly continue because everyday is a new day and we always keep learning even after our academic learning years more or less get over.

I have also come to realize that… “Unstructured anything has a certain structure too.” And sometimes, that can be fun as well.

Vaibhavi 06.07.2020